and life goes on

life has become so difficult anymore. my father passed away last year and the one year mark was this past weds. my brother is still acting an ass, and my bf is still have problems with his ex. oh good lord, can something go right anytime soon? work has gotten interesting as they closed the greensboro call center and i now work at home for them. i love it to say the least. less gas and the all seeing eye sees what the kids are doing.lol.

And It Continues On.........

so i called my brother tuesday night to fill him in on the upcoming grim news. obviously he knows me too well, he kept asking how i was doing and how i was taking it. i told him that dad was having the petscan on thursday and that i would let him know of any updates or news as soon as i get it. so then my uncle called xmas day, to see if everyone liked what he sent them. and everybody was very happy, especially me....since now i have enough gift cards to get me some new clothes after all this weight loss. so i went ahead and told him about dad's possible condition. so i have to call him back monday as well, to let him know about the test results. so here i stand just waiting for my dad or me to call the dr's office on monday to get the final outcome for what is to come. everything lies on that test result. i am a strong person, i have dealt with alot of adversity in my entire life....from childhood thru the present....i am just wondering if i am strong enough to deal with this if it turns out to what we think it is. my dad was talking yesterday that he will have to make sure all the paperwork is in order, if it is lung cancer that he has. for his life insurance policy thru the navy and if and where he wants his ashes to be spread to. he joked that i could just put him in the cabinet with mom's ashes or with my cat's ashes in the curio cabinet. oh yeah that's freakin hiliarious. I really do need to get an urn for my mom's ashes, unless i do finally decide to have her buried in pa. my great uncle's 2nd wife has the deed to all the plots, so i would need to make a phone call to someone that has not seen me in over 30 some years to ask for one of the plots or to purchase one from her. mind you i have no idea how much it would cost for me to do that, much less how much it would cost me to have the ground dug up and etc. ugh something that i really don't want to think about at all. it was hard enough thinking about her dieing 3 years ago much less think about it again with the possible impending death of my father looming over me. now it makes me rethink everything that will happening or hope to happen for the next 6-7 months. i have a job interview and physical that i have scheduled for feb and i hate to look like someone that makes appts and does not show or to have to cancel it after all this time. i have had this appt lined up for months. so i figure if i am lucky enough to get the job, i will have to convince my father to move with me. i can't leave him behind to fight this thing all on his own. and if i get the job in vb, then he will be centralized near all the navy bases. being he is retired military, he should be cared by military professionals and it would be the least cost to him. but that is if i get the job. if i do not get it, i will put my plans on hold for the move and stay here to see what happens. it's not what i really want to do but it is the right thing to do. and i am sure he would appreciate it. it just means i will be in therapy for a lot longer than i anticipated. because if my father is dieing. i am soooo not ready for this at all. it means i have to deal with stuff that i really don't want to and will just have to suck it up and do it!

Too Many Monkey Wrenches

what was supposed to be a very enjoyable weekend turned out to be......at the very least-stressful and took me awhile to enjoy myself. my car did a 360degree spin on 85north in va and scared the crap out of me. my bf heard it on the speakerphone and wondered what happened. hell i was wondering if i was gonna go thru the guardrail and down the embankment.....and surely would have hurt a lot. so after accessing the damage to my car and deeming it ok to drive the last mile and a half to a gas station, i got back in my car, and drove it to the BP station. i got out, with insurance card in hand and called my insurance company. i know i was on the phone with them for over an hour. i was quite calm but my hands were shaking quite terribly. so i got done with them on the phone and called my bf back and relayed as much info that i could remember to him. he was on his way to pick me up, and assured me everything would be ok. well when he got there, the first thing he did was take a look at my poor car, the whole driver's side will have to be relplaced. and he gave me that look of "i told you not to drive it but stop and all your ins co," ugh......made me feel guilty. i just don't like being stranded on the interstate like that. so vulnerable and no help in sight. so we unloaded everything that i thought i would need and put it in his car, and set off for emporia. i was tired, i was stressed and i just wanted to lay down. he could see that i just wanted to collapse. so he had me lay down and rest my head in his lap, while he stroked my hair and tried to put me at ease. and it was working too because i was about to fall asleep, when my tummy started getting all nauseated and made me feel car sick. i had to sit up for the remainder of the drive, or i would have puked for sure. i just propped my head up on the window and closed my eyes. i was never so happy as when we arrived at my hotel, so i could get checked in and just collapse on the bed. we got my stuff in and i took my coats off, the room was warm thank goodness, cause i was freezing and shaking still. so after a few minutes of relaxing, i took a nice hot shower to destress as much as possible. overall i was feeling much better after getting out of the shower. i even took a nap after that. i needed a nap desperately. and welcomed sleep as it hit me like a brick wall.i called my dad to let him know what happened to my car, he was not pleased with me at all. he did not think i should be traveling the weekend before xmas to begin with. but i told him i would not see my bf for like 3 weeks, so i wanted to see him today. but alas, both my father and i are hardheaded and strong minded and no one was budging, so we did not discuss it further. i told him that i would call later. i layed back down for another nap and when i got up, we went out for dinner. i needed a drink badly, so i had a few beers at dinner. and was feeling good aside from the blistery weather that we were encompassed in. when we got back to my room, we watched some tv and did not stay up long and i was out like a light. i slept pretty well most of the night, aside from the few times i had to get up to go to the bathroom, all that beer and water i tell ya. the next morning, i called the car rental agency and to find out that in this lil town called emporia, no car rental agencies were open on the weekend. greaaaaat just freakin greaaaaat. so i did some pricing on getting a car rental from an airport and the price for one day was just downright outrageous. screw it, it would be cheaper to stay in the hotel an extra day and not pay anything out of pocket for the car rental and that's exactly what i did. so i lounged around on sunday and stayed in bed watching tv. what i did not count on, was getting depressed as hell when my bf had to leave to go back home. and i started crying after he left and that was all i could take at the moment. so i proceeded to take my night time meds, so i could just sleep it away. but that came to a halt when he called me 30 minutes later. and i was already feeling sleepy as hell. he was continuing our discussion about him being stubborn about a previous conversation that we were having. oh lord.....that went on until his car broke down unexpectantly, and he was not pleased at all. so he had to call his insurance company for help to help tow his card to safety. what fun that was to hear him go on about. so after falling asleep on the phone with him several times, he let me go and i went to sleep. i slept from 3pm until 4:30am the next day. i was just plain worn out. i called the car rental agency first thing that morning and set up for them to call me when a car came in so i could leave and go home. so i finally left around 1pm monday afternoon after stopping by the tow yard to get a few things out of my car and then headed out. i stopped to get me something for lunch and then i was on my way. i made it home by 2:30pm and talked to the kids for a few minutes and then i took a short nap, to just unwind a bit. so when i got up from my nap and went downstairs to start on dinner, i asked my dad if he had heard back about his catscan of his lung. i was concerned because they were doing that test, since it seemed that my father did not have pneumonia but yet there was a shadow on his left lung that showed up on a regular xray. he told me that the dr said there is a mass on his left lung and that he needed to have a petscan done to find out what it is. well i was just sort of dazed and confused by that point. cause i pretty much know what it is, there really is only one thing that it could be. i stayed calm just had a blank look on my face, and then i proceeded to make dinner. after i made dinner, and went ahead and went to my room to lay down. my bf called after a few minutes and i started crying like a damn baby. so much going thru my head, what am i going to do , what am i going to tell the kids, how should i start preparing, what do i do about my upcoming job interview, do i go ahead and tell the rest of the family?????????? at the moment all i could decide to do was tell my brother what was going on.

The Holidays

Ah the holidays....nothing quite captures the magic and joy that comes around Christmas. Going out and getting gifts for your kids and your other family members. Sending out xmas cards to friends and family. baking cookies and cakes for everyone to get fat on. cooking the traditional turkey and ham feast. what a wonderful time to get a freakin sinus infection.ugh! two days before i am off for a week with the family and holiday cheer, i get sick and get a sinus infection. first it starts out as a cold and festers into a full blown infecting sinus infection.yuck!so the Thursday before xmas, i started out with a cold, not too thrilling but not too bad either.by the time Saturday rolled around, it was a full blown sinus infection.ewww!! could barely talk much less breathe.ugh!so come Sunday, as soon as i could move my body without hurting, i took myself to the walk in clinic for my dr's office.the dr tried to tell me that i just had a real bad cold but would go ahead and write me a script for an antibiotic in case it does not clear up by xmas. oh boy. i think i gave it a day before i tore into the zpack, and started the wonder drug. after about 2 days, i started feeling alot better, could have had something to do with the ungodly stuff i was coughing up.ick! it was totally gross. and god knows i did not have time to be sick, i had cleaning to do, i had cooking to do, i had children to harass, and i had groceries to buy because my uncle was coming to visit for xmas. i did not have time to sick at all!so i was froggy all holiday and i managed to make god knows how many dozens of cookies, of which was eaten more than once.i had two separate cooking times for cookies, because the first batch went fast.zip zong zip.....somebody had some serious sugar intake!then came the task of wrapping the gifts. while the stack of gifts this year was much smaller compared to previous years, it still took me until 4am to wrap them. i started around midnight on Christmas eve and it continued for 4 hours and that was with help! jeez, i really have to start wrapping them earlier in the month or heck even earlier in the year. i am one of those types that sees something on sale and thinks that would be great for xmas and just stockpiles everything, and gets whatever is still needed in December. so again as in year's past, it took forever to to wrap everything. and i did not even wrap the 3 stuffed animals that my daughter received for xmas. she still loves winnie the pooh at 11 yrs old.LOL, that cracks me up!!and i had my elf helper wrap the guitar hero that i got my son for xmas. he was just beside himself that he actually received that. that has kept him busy for days now. and my daughter with all her ds games, is huddled on the couch or wrapped up in her blankie in a corner in the room silently playing her games. ahhh the cool quiet buzzing of technology!

My Retired Cubie

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Originally uploaded by flwrbunni

I had known Caron for quite a long time, or to me it felt very much that way. I had known her from the time i hit the floor from OJT, and we were on the same team off and on. So when i finally joined Srt in 1997, and pretty much stayed there except for a 2 yr stint in Authorizations, Caron was always there. She took great patience(because i know there was more than one occasion she wanted to strangle me)in teaching me how to crochet. i still feel nuts when i try to read a pattern. she retired in 2006, and I have missed her ever since. She bought a house and moved to Kansas. of all places, flat lands, toto flying in the wind and hard winters. i try to make sure i talk to her via yahoo at least once a week, she is always asking how the kids are doing and i show her how big hey are via my facebook page.I think she knows she is missed and loved dearly.anyways this pic is one of many that i took at her retirement party that us-her team-her work family gave her.

Baby Shower 2007

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Originally uploaded by flwrbunni

Now who doesn't like a good party, and a messy one at that. I am good at decorating, do you agree?

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Originally uploaded by flwrbunni

oooh that one makes me look like i am on illegal drugs. but don't worry...all my drugs come from my dr's note pad. I really did not have much to write about today, so i thought that i would breeze thru some pics and find something funny or interesting:))

My son

to think that i am the mother of a teenage boy sometimes scares me or at least it should. but thankfully i don't have the typical 15 year old son. he does have his moments when i just want to beat him senseless. lord knows i always had something extra to say when i was a teenager as well. but for the most part he is a great kid. little selfish sometimes, but we all go thru those stages. I am just glad that he does not like girls yet, of course there are those times when i mess with him and ask if he likes boys then. he just gives me this grin like "yeah right mom"! i get him and his sister laughing about that. i keep trying to prepare myself for when his "mental" puberty kicks in, because we will all be in trouble then. his physical maturity kicked in when he was about 13. ugh! what a time, a 13 yr old with a 15 yr old's body. he has finally surpassed me in height by about an inch. i knew it was going to happen, i just did not think it would happen before he turned 16. yes my baby will be 16 in august of next year. god.....he is gonna be tall. i love it when he just comes up to me and wants to give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. makes me forget for a moment that he is a teenager and not just the little boy that i have watched grow up.

ahh home

well i finally made it home tonight. first i had to pick up the kids and dare i say that i took a deep breath and took them grocery shopping with me. it turned out ok, they went over to the video game aisle while i gathered some grocery items to stick in the fridge. everything was going well until we headed to the checkout.good lord it felt like we were standing in line for an hour. of course my daughter was wanting to go into another line. of which i reminded her that all the lines were long. i know we were in line for at least 20-30 minutes. then the real task was at hand, where the hell was i gonna put all the bags.kids,bookbags and alot of groceries.throw in two bags of cedar shavings for my rodents.and cat litter for my little furry critters. let's just say the car was quite full. i really need to clean the car out and file some of my xmas gifts that i bought like six months ago.omg....did anyone get the sexiest man alive issue of People magazine. Hugh Jackman was just waaayyyy too hot in the mag. of course, my super's fave was in there too.....we all LOOOOOOOvvveeee Johnny Depp:))
well i have groceries to put away stilllllllllllll

another day at work

ah another day at work. i knew i should never had looked at my stats today. it is all just really depressing. i keep trying and trying harder, and to no avail. what do you do when there is just nothing you can do to make people happy?

Feelings

well i stayed home from work today, because i was not feeling well at all.i don't know if it was the stress of work yesterday or just the blues. i woke up with a head ache and a stomache today.rather than be miserable at work all day, i opted to stay home and pop some motrin and go back to sleep. i got up around 1pm, still having the headache but that becomes nonchalant for me. day in and day out it seems.i turned on the kereosene heater, cause the regular heater is out and i was quite chilled. oh well. things at work are just plain crazy. day in and day out people are just plain mad or upset at the banking world. it does not help that i work at a credit card company. whatever you do, if you get a letter telling you about changes in your agreement or account. don't call the company and threaten to cancel or sue....it won't do any good. the poor customer servce reps and their supervisors can't change what is done. and that is what i am dealing with at work.i am thankful that i can turn off work once i walk out the building. but when i am there, it is just darn terrible and stressful. i smile and laugh but that is only because i am a very cheerful person to begin with. if i was anyone else, i would be complaining and griping non stop. believe me we have those types at work too. but i did not want to get stuck talking about work, i think when you get to a certain age, you start to appreciate things more. i have always been a family person, always have and always will be. but i seem to appreciate everyone more now. probably after losing my mom in 2006, it just scares me to know what is next. love your family, even if they are not good to you.just extend a hand, you never know when they won't be there again.

Blah Blah Monday

What a day! Had a dr's appt and it looks like outpatient surgery again.Wonder if the insurance company will pay for it this time around. i had the procedure done once and it worked pretty well but only on half of my foot. now this is excitement. did anyone see the article that said working 3rd causes cancer? uh-oh that looks like bad news for us night owls.well hopefully we won't have to work it forever. i got a little sleep today,i just had a hard time sleeping. ahh my life is sooo complicated.sleep/don't sleep.eat/don't eat.

Stop The Drama

Work,my personal, friendships,unfriendships.for me it is all just a big mess! a friend that i made in the summer is no longer a friend, much less do they even talk to me anymore.i finally cleared up a misunderstanding at work, i only cleared it up because my boss thought it best. I did not even start the misunderstanding.so i ended up apologizing for something that i did not even do. so i got that whole situation off of my chest.so i feel alittle better, at least everyone knows where i stand.my great aunt died this month, me and the kids attended the funeral in pennsylvania. i really did not think it would bother me, but alas it proved me wrong AGAIN!!! one of my 2nd cousins looks just like my mom and that just set the flow of the emotions. it has been 1 year 2 months and 19 days since my mom died. and my aunt was buried on my mother's birthday,she would have been 61 years old.i took lots of pics on my trip in allentown and emmaus. But back to my subject heading......i am just soo tired of bad things happening to me and my family(which is directly affecting me).it is just one thing after another, i just want a normal calm life.

at what point do you decide that you are sooo miserable at your job that it is not worth it anymore?i make good money but the management that i have to deal with just sucks royally! they lie on each other and screw each other over. and all just to find out that their leader is the one instigating the problems. what kind of management is that? i have totally just about had it. i have no respect for these people, nor do i have any enthusiasm for my job anymore.the only reason i am still here is because i have bills.and i have been at my job for so many years, and i hate to change it. are all companies like this? there has got to be one that has decent people working for them.

What the hell?

Well i have not posted in awhile, so while i was bored, i thought what the hell?! the kids go back to school next week, a little early, but oh well, here comes the quiet time for me.it just seems so soon for them to go back to school already.

Friday

i am so sleepy today. it is always that way on a friday morning.thursdays are actually my monday's so they seem to last forever.Well i am on my way to get the trash out and then bed!