And It Continues On.........

so i called my brother tuesday night to fill him in on the upcoming grim news. obviously he knows me too well, he kept asking how i was doing and how i was taking it. i told him that dad was having the petscan on thursday and that i would let him know of any updates or news as soon as i get it. so then my uncle called xmas day, to see if everyone liked what he sent them. and everybody was very happy, especially me....since now i have enough gift cards to get me some new clothes after all this weight loss. so i went ahead and told him about dad's possible condition. so i have to call him back monday as well, to let him know about the test results. so here i stand just waiting for my dad or me to call the dr's office on monday to get the final outcome for what is to come. everything lies on that test result. i am a strong person, i have dealt with alot of adversity in my entire life....from childhood thru the present....i am just wondering if i am strong enough to deal with this if it turns out to what we think it is. my dad was talking yesterday that he will have to make sure all the paperwork is in order, if it is lung cancer that he has. for his life insurance policy thru the navy and if and where he wants his ashes to be spread to. he joked that i could just put him in the cabinet with mom's ashes or with my cat's ashes in the curio cabinet. oh yeah that's freakin hiliarious. I really do need to get an urn for my mom's ashes, unless i do finally decide to have her buried in pa. my great uncle's 2nd wife has the deed to all the plots, so i would need to make a phone call to someone that has not seen me in over 30 some years to ask for one of the plots or to purchase one from her. mind you i have no idea how much it would cost for me to do that, much less how much it would cost me to have the ground dug up and etc. ugh something that i really don't want to think about at all. it was hard enough thinking about her dieing 3 years ago much less think about it again with the possible impending death of my father looming over me. now it makes me rethink everything that will happening or hope to happen for the next 6-7 months. i have a job interview and physical that i have scheduled for feb and i hate to look like someone that makes appts and does not show or to have to cancel it after all this time. i have had this appt lined up for months. so i figure if i am lucky enough to get the job, i will have to convince my father to move with me. i can't leave him behind to fight this thing all on his own. and if i get the job in vb, then he will be centralized near all the navy bases. being he is retired military, he should be cared by military professionals and it would be the least cost to him. but that is if i get the job. if i do not get it, i will put my plans on hold for the move and stay here to see what happens. it's not what i really want to do but it is the right thing to do. and i am sure he would appreciate it. it just means i will be in therapy for a lot longer than i anticipated. because if my father is dieing. i am soooo not ready for this at all. it means i have to deal with stuff that i really don't want to and will just have to suck it up and do it!

Too Many Monkey Wrenches

what was supposed to be a very enjoyable weekend turned out to be......at the very least-stressful and took me awhile to enjoy myself. my car did a 360degree spin on 85north in va and scared the crap out of me. my bf heard it on the speakerphone and wondered what happened. hell i was wondering if i was gonna go thru the guardrail and down the embankment.....and surely would have hurt a lot. so after accessing the damage to my car and deeming it ok to drive the last mile and a half to a gas station, i got back in my car, and drove it to the BP station. i got out, with insurance card in hand and called my insurance company. i know i was on the phone with them for over an hour. i was quite calm but my hands were shaking quite terribly. so i got done with them on the phone and called my bf back and relayed as much info that i could remember to him. he was on his way to pick me up, and assured me everything would be ok. well when he got there, the first thing he did was take a look at my poor car, the whole driver's side will have to be relplaced. and he gave me that look of "i told you not to drive it but stop and all your ins co," ugh......made me feel guilty. i just don't like being stranded on the interstate like that. so vulnerable and no help in sight. so we unloaded everything that i thought i would need and put it in his car, and set off for emporia. i was tired, i was stressed and i just wanted to lay down. he could see that i just wanted to collapse. so he had me lay down and rest my head in his lap, while he stroked my hair and tried to put me at ease. and it was working too because i was about to fall asleep, when my tummy started getting all nauseated and made me feel car sick. i had to sit up for the remainder of the drive, or i would have puked for sure. i just propped my head up on the window and closed my eyes. i was never so happy as when we arrived at my hotel, so i could get checked in and just collapse on the bed. we got my stuff in and i took my coats off, the room was warm thank goodness, cause i was freezing and shaking still. so after a few minutes of relaxing, i took a nice hot shower to destress as much as possible. overall i was feeling much better after getting out of the shower. i even took a nap after that. i needed a nap desperately. and welcomed sleep as it hit me like a brick wall.i called my dad to let him know what happened to my car, he was not pleased with me at all. he did not think i should be traveling the weekend before xmas to begin with. but i told him i would not see my bf for like 3 weeks, so i wanted to see him today. but alas, both my father and i are hardheaded and strong minded and no one was budging, so we did not discuss it further. i told him that i would call later. i layed back down for another nap and when i got up, we went out for dinner. i needed a drink badly, so i had a few beers at dinner. and was feeling good aside from the blistery weather that we were encompassed in. when we got back to my room, we watched some tv and did not stay up long and i was out like a light. i slept pretty well most of the night, aside from the few times i had to get up to go to the bathroom, all that beer and water i tell ya. the next morning, i called the car rental agency and to find out that in this lil town called emporia, no car rental agencies were open on the weekend. greaaaaat just freakin greaaaaat. so i did some pricing on getting a car rental from an airport and the price for one day was just downright outrageous. screw it, it would be cheaper to stay in the hotel an extra day and not pay anything out of pocket for the car rental and that's exactly what i did. so i lounged around on sunday and stayed in bed watching tv. what i did not count on, was getting depressed as hell when my bf had to leave to go back home. and i started crying after he left and that was all i could take at the moment. so i proceeded to take my night time meds, so i could just sleep it away. but that came to a halt when he called me 30 minutes later. and i was already feeling sleepy as hell. he was continuing our discussion about him being stubborn about a previous conversation that we were having. oh lord.....that went on until his car broke down unexpectantly, and he was not pleased at all. so he had to call his insurance company for help to help tow his card to safety. what fun that was to hear him go on about. so after falling asleep on the phone with him several times, he let me go and i went to sleep. i slept from 3pm until 4:30am the next day. i was just plain worn out. i called the car rental agency first thing that morning and set up for them to call me when a car came in so i could leave and go home. so i finally left around 1pm monday afternoon after stopping by the tow yard to get a few things out of my car and then headed out. i stopped to get me something for lunch and then i was on my way. i made it home by 2:30pm and talked to the kids for a few minutes and then i took a short nap, to just unwind a bit. so when i got up from my nap and went downstairs to start on dinner, i asked my dad if he had heard back about his catscan of his lung. i was concerned because they were doing that test, since it seemed that my father did not have pneumonia but yet there was a shadow on his left lung that showed up on a regular xray. he told me that the dr said there is a mass on his left lung and that he needed to have a petscan done to find out what it is. well i was just sort of dazed and confused by that point. cause i pretty much know what it is, there really is only one thing that it could be. i stayed calm just had a blank look on my face, and then i proceeded to make dinner. after i made dinner, and went ahead and went to my room to lay down. my bf called after a few minutes and i started crying like a damn baby. so much going thru my head, what am i going to do , what am i going to tell the kids, how should i start preparing, what do i do about my upcoming job interview, do i go ahead and tell the rest of the family?????????? at the moment all i could decide to do was tell my brother what was going on.